Yale 2010
Dartmouth at Princeton
November 20, 2010
Princeton loses 13-14
Pregame:
Shooting a record eighteen feet and nine inches onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto the field)
Recently, a Carnival Cruise ship was stranded off the coast of California after a fire occurred on board. Conditions aboard the ship were pretty rough for a while, and at times it almost felt like the passengers were at a Dartmouth frat party. The similarities were striking:
(Band forms a little d and plays ATBGTB)
And now, Turkey, Tofurkey, Wawa Gobbler, Pilgrims, Indians, Turkey, Stuffing, Cranberry sauce from the can, Cranberry sauce from scratch, Turkey, Squanto, Dark meat, Light meat, Hats with buckles, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Black Friday, Alice’s Restaurant, Tryptophan, Football, Food babies, Gravy, Squash, Friends and family, And Double-Double-Rotating Pumpkin Pie!
(Band forms the DDRP and plays Going Back)
And now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.
(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)
Run Away Band, you’re in range!
Halftime:
What is that mysterious ticking noise? It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)
A dear friend of the Band, Seymour Butts, has decided to apply to Dartmouth. An important part of the Dartmouth application is a peer evaluation. Seymour asked us to write his letter, which follows:
Dear Dartmouth Selection Committee,
Seymour Butts has endless good qualities. I can’t think of another person who would be a greater asset to your school.
Seymour is a dedicated individual, and takes his hobbies, such as astronomy, very seriously. He just loves whipping out his telescope and gazing at the moon.
Seymour is a very mature individual, showing great resilience in the face of disappointment. After a difficult breakup with his long term high school girl friend, Butts’ ex and he are still on good terms.
Seymour is a diligent student. His hard work earned him the honor of salutatorian, for his #2 ranking in his senior class.
<As for his career aspirations, Seymour plans to go pre-med and attend medical school to fulfill his dream of one day becoming a proctologist.> (cut)
Seymour Butts is one of the kindest and most intelligent individuals we know. If it were possible, you wouldn’t want just one, you’d want two Seymour Butts at Dartmouth.
Sincerely, the Princeton University Band
<p.s. During Seymour’s interview, try to avoid making any butt jokes. They really hurt his feelings.> (cut)
<Commending Seymour on his impeccable personal hygiene, the band forms a roll of toilet paper> (cut)
Commending Seymour on his clean record, the band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.
(Band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.)
[Whole joke is read in a David Attenborough British accent]Today we will observe the keg in its natural habitat. The keg is a formidable beast, originally from the wilds of Milwaukee, led to the frozen wasteland of Hanover by their leader Kegdube, King of the Kegs, revered by Dartmouth students as Keggy.
The only natural predator of the keg is the Dartmouth student. Keg hunters attempt to disguise themselves by attaining barrel-shaped physiques, similar to the kegs themselves. As a warning to wild kegs, Dartmouth students will crush baby kegs against their foreheads.
As a coming of age ritual, Dartmouth students must each hunt a keg armed only with a single Solo cup. As a fertility ritual, two women will drink the blood of the keg from the single cup.
In Hanover, the mutant killer kegs known as Four Loko roam unchecked. To drink the blood of a Four Loko is to live a half-life, a cursed life.
The blood of the keg is the only known cure for ugly. Side effects include blurred vision, loss of clothing, and a feeling of deep regret.
Forming laaaast night’s bed mate, the band plays “Baaaad Romance.”
(Band forms a question mark and plays “Bad Romance”)
And now, on behalf of Band Head Manager Carol “Seriously guys, put some pants on” Dreibelbis, Student Conductor Mia “Half-Asian, half-American, all nonsense” Tsui, Drum Major Rachel “You think that’s water in my Camelback?” Sverdlove, and President Kristen “Actually a gnome” Davila, this has been your announcer, Joseph “Like breaking a trombone is that bad” McMahan, signing off and saying: Good night, and good luck.
November 20, 2010
Princeton loses 13-14
Pregame:
Shooting a record eighteen feet and nine inches onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto the field)
Recently, a Carnival Cruise ship was stranded off the coast of California after a fire occurred on board. Conditions aboard the ship were pretty rough for a while, and at times it almost felt like the passengers were at a Dartmouth frat party. The similarities were striking:
- Mayonnaise sandwiches for everyone
- Overflowing toilets and unusable bathrooms
- Too many people in one place
- Rampant nausea
- Everyone went there looking for a good time, and came back with diseases
(Band forms a little d and plays ATBGTB)
And now, Turkey, Tofurkey, Wawa Gobbler, Pilgrims, Indians, Turkey, Stuffing, Cranberry sauce from the can, Cranberry sauce from scratch, Turkey, Squanto, Dark meat, Light meat, Hats with buckles, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Black Friday, Alice’s Restaurant, Tryptophan, Football, Food babies, Gravy, Squash, Friends and family, And Double-Double-Rotating Pumpkin Pie!
(Band forms the DDRP and plays Going Back)
And now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.
(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)
Run Away Band, you’re in range!
Halftime:
What is that mysterious ticking noise? It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)
A dear friend of the Band, Seymour Butts, has decided to apply to Dartmouth. An important part of the Dartmouth application is a peer evaluation. Seymour asked us to write his letter, which follows:
Dear Dartmouth Selection Committee,
Seymour Butts has endless good qualities. I can’t think of another person who would be a greater asset to your school.
Seymour is a dedicated individual, and takes his hobbies, such as astronomy, very seriously. He just loves whipping out his telescope and gazing at the moon.
Seymour is a very mature individual, showing great resilience in the face of disappointment. After a difficult breakup with his long term high school girl friend, Butts’ ex and he are still on good terms.
Seymour is a diligent student. His hard work earned him the honor of salutatorian, for his #2 ranking in his senior class.
<As for his career aspirations, Seymour plans to go pre-med and attend medical school to fulfill his dream of one day becoming a proctologist.> (cut)
Seymour Butts is one of the kindest and most intelligent individuals we know. If it were possible, you wouldn’t want just one, you’d want two Seymour Butts at Dartmouth.
Sincerely, the Princeton University Band
<p.s. During Seymour’s interview, try to avoid making any butt jokes. They really hurt his feelings.> (cut)
<Commending Seymour on his impeccable personal hygiene, the band forms a roll of toilet paper> (cut)
Commending Seymour on his clean record, the band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.
(Band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.)
[Whole joke is read in a David Attenborough British accent]Today we will observe the keg in its natural habitat. The keg is a formidable beast, originally from the wilds of Milwaukee, led to the frozen wasteland of Hanover by their leader Kegdube, King of the Kegs, revered by Dartmouth students as Keggy.
The only natural predator of the keg is the Dartmouth student. Keg hunters attempt to disguise themselves by attaining barrel-shaped physiques, similar to the kegs themselves. As a warning to wild kegs, Dartmouth students will crush baby kegs against their foreheads.
As a coming of age ritual, Dartmouth students must each hunt a keg armed only with a single Solo cup. As a fertility ritual, two women will drink the blood of the keg from the single cup.
In Hanover, the mutant killer kegs known as Four Loko roam unchecked. To drink the blood of a Four Loko is to live a half-life, a cursed life.
The blood of the keg is the only known cure for ugly. Side effects include blurred vision, loss of clothing, and a feeling of deep regret.
Forming laaaast night’s bed mate, the band plays “Baaaad Romance.”
(Band forms a question mark and plays “Bad Romance”)
And now, on behalf of Band Head Manager Carol “Seriously guys, put some pants on” Dreibelbis, Student Conductor Mia “Half-Asian, half-American, all nonsense” Tsui, Drum Major Rachel “You think that’s water in my Camelback?” Sverdlove, and President Kristen “Actually a gnome” Davila, this has been your announcer, Joseph “Like breaking a trombone is that bad” McMahan, signing off and saying: Good night, and good luck.